Dear
dogs and cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to
turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to
open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine and
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: kiss me first, then
go smell the other dog's rear. I cannot stress this enough.
TO
ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR
PETS:
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
- To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and
don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
- eat less,
- don't ask for money all the time,
- are easier to train,
- normally come when called,
- never ask to drive the car,
- don't hang out with drug-using people,
- don't smoke or drink,
- don't want to wear your clothes,
- don't have to buy the latest fashions,
- don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
- if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
What is the
difference between
a dog and a cat?
A dog lives in your house and sees that you give it food and
water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and
water without my having to do anything. They must be gods!"
A cat lives in your house and sees that you give it food and
water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and
water without my having to do anything. I must be a god!"
Excerpts From A Dog's Diary
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts From A Cat's Diary
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must
try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to
vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no
good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the
glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that
my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on
the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
ABOUT US